The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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