Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
