Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
ugly people sure do ruin things
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
