my phone needs a breathalizer
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
