i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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