She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
