if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
