he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize