Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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