The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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