she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
