I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You are the jesus of drinking
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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