Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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