my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
