That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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