just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
