did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
