I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
