"it" just moved
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
