he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
