I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You may now shotgun with the bride
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
