I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
