She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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