i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
