Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My bed smells like the plague
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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