Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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