i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
