The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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