I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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