Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
