Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
