I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize