Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
