she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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