um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
