Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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