1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
