He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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