We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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