call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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