and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
