Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
