So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
