At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So gin and wine won't be happening again
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
