I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
