Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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