When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
