Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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