I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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