I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
