So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
