so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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