soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
my liver is dry heaving
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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