good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
