drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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