I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Randomize
