Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
