The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
