Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
