Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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