guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
