Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I checked into jail on foursquare
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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