she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
