my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
