grandma shit on top of the toilet
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
